Unmuted: Healing Out Loud

  I have learned a lot of things in my life, but I can honestly say that this was never one of them. Until now. I made excuses for the shitty behavior, gave the "benefit of the doubt", believed that they were just dealt a bad hand and with my support and love - I could fix it all. What this method of operation has gotten me is:  cheated on, abused, lied to, manipulated, financially destroyed, emotionally destroyed and more. Why?  Because I didn't see myself as the Queen and I didn't act like one either. So here's my advice based on what I've learned and a practice that I've put into place in my life now...............  Queens Don’t Chase Jesters: Stop Settling for Clowns Let’s get real, ladies. There’s a quiet epidemic running wild in the dating world—and it’s not the lack of good men. It’s the number of Queens acting like servants, court jesters, and peasants just to get crumbs of male attention. Somewhere along the way, too many women forgot who they...

  I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse.  By the time he moved out - I was just about completely emotionally destroyed. I've spent the last 8 months trying to heal from the damage, but I can't get major progress in my healing yet because he's still abusing me - just through legal and financial avenues now. I have to start my life over, thankfully not from scratch (although that seems to be his motive or end game) but definitely starting a lot of things over.  That's not the easiest thing to do, especially at my age. I've tried really hard to beat myself up for everything he did to me. I was blamed for everything that didn't go his way. If he was in a bad mood, it was my fault. If he gave me the silent treatment, it was my fault. If he got caught lying, it was my fault. His moving out? Yep. My fault too. Hell - it's my fault he decided not to pay on the truck I signed for, that he filed bankruptcy, and that the bankruptcy case is in serious trouble. All. M...

I have been struggling to understand WHY he continues to do the nasty, cruel things he does. Especially when I have never done a thing to him - other than love him, help him, raise him up, protect him and try to give him everything I could.  Even when he decided to leave - I didn't get vengeful. I didn't cause any issues. I let him walk with most of the items purchased during our marriage, the nice truck I co-signed on, and with the assumption that he would actually keep the separation agreement he pleaded me to draft.  He literally stabbed me financially the minute he moved out. He had NO intention of abiding by the agreement.  He just used it as a guise to get me to let him have everything before he left.  Still - I didn't reach out. I didn't get hostile. I used my energy to figure out a way to survive. While he was out wining and dining his next victim, getting tattoos, buying himself expensive cigars and living it up - I was grocery shopping at the dollar store. ...

  For those of you who are in toxic, narcissistic, abusive relationships or marriages - making the decision to end the relationship is not something you decide on a whim. Chances are - you thought about it time and time again but were afraid to make the move.  I thought about it on and off for almost 9 years but talked myself out of it for a myriad of reasons. I hadn't convinced myself that I had tried everything possible to make it work. I would see small little glimpses of the guy he pretended to be when we met - and I took those little breadcrumbs and hung on to them for dear life. Little did I know - that was all part of his strategy and deception to keep me hooked in and chasing a carrot that moved every time I got close. I would love to tell you that once you make the decision to end the relationship - whether you leave or he left you - that the abuse stops. Unfortunately, it doesn't. The narcissist is the only one who is allowed to make those decisions, in their distort...

  I've always prided myself on being a smart, strong, intuitive person.  One of the hardest parts of my healing journey is dealing with the incredible shame, guilt, and embarrassment of the length of time I was abused and didn't leave. In fact, when I found my newest therapist and met with her the first time, I specifically told her that I needed to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me that prevented me from leaving and putting a stop to the abuse.  I mean, a normal person wouldn't have tolerated probably 1% of what I was subjected to - so there must be something wrong with me. The answer she had for me was both enlightening and disheartening at the same time.  It's not that something was wrong with me - it was that I had been subjected to toxic and abusive environments and relationships my whole life and it felt "familiar". I had learned coping mechanisms, including self-blame & justification, to be able to survive in those environments. I had been...

  One of the most difficult aspects of navigating narcissistic abuse and recovery is the inability to understand WHY they do the things they do. Why be abusive to someone who loved you and helped you so much? Why harm someone financially who did nothing but support and assist you by putting their credit on the line, spending money on you, and was responsible for your ability to get all the nice things you've never managed before on your own?  Why lie when the truth is literally so easy to expose? Well, you will never understand the WHY because normal, functional, humane, rational people use logic when making decisions. We weigh risk versus consequences when making decisions. A narcissist or highly narcissistic person has a delusional sense of self-entitlement. They have been lying and getting away with it for most of their lives.  They believe they won't get caught, you won't expose them, or if they do get caught - that their "charming" behavior will allow them to...