100% Innocent?

 I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse.  By the time he moved out - I was just about completely emotionally destroyed. I've spent the last 8 months trying to heal from the damage, but I can't get major progress in my healing yet because he's still abusing me - just through legal and financial avenues now.

I have to start my life over, thankfully not from scratch (although that seems to be his motive or end game) but definitely starting a lot of things over.  That's not the easiest thing to do, especially at my age.

I've tried really hard to beat myself up for everything he did to me. I was blamed for everything that didn't go his way. If he was in a bad mood, it was my fault. If he gave me the silent treatment, it was my fault. If he got caught lying, it was my fault. His moving out? Yep. My fault too. Hell - it's my fault he decided not to pay on the truck I signed for, that he filed bankruptcy, and that the bankruptcy case is in serious trouble. All. My. Fault.

For a long time - he had me believing that I had, indeed, done something wrong to cause his behavior. Even though I couldn't pinpoint anything I had actually done, his insistence and gaslighting made me question my version of events - so I tried even harder. 

I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I wasn't weak, or insecure. I thought I had found the absolute love of my life, finally. He showered me with attention and affection - I had NO idea that it was all fake. I set boundaries on our first date, telling him that lying and cheating were absolute deal-breakers. He assured me repeatedly that he was neither. I had no reason to believe otherwise. I fell head over heels in love with a fictional character and once he knew that - the REAL person appeared. Ya wanna talk about a WHAT THE F**K moment? I was so confused that I thought I was dreaming or imagining it. Then I started to pray that I was dreaming or imagining it. Nope. The mean, evil, abusive man that I was seeing was the real person.

He would dangle little tiny glimpses of the fictional character in front of my face - to reinforce that he could "return" to that person if I just complied with his wishes. That he would be affectionate again - if I gave him his way. The carrot on a string, constantly moving the goal post. That was my life for the better part of 9 years.

The only thing I am guilty of was loving and caring for the man I believed he actually was. I had no clue nothing was real. I didn't know there were people out there who can fake an entire personality, play whatever role needed to get what they want, and pretend to love you when they secretly despise you. They are master manipulators, actors playing a role, and are the coldest, most vile people you will ever come in contact with. 

 So yes -I'm 100% innocent. I'm a survivor of abuse that I did not deserve. I didn't ask for the abuse, and I did not cause the abuse. Be careful. This world is full of some cruel and evil people capable of anything........ 

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