Dealing With The Shame, Guilt & Embarrassment

 I've always prided myself on being a smart, strong, intuitive person.  One of the hardest parts of my healing journey is dealing with the incredible shame, guilt, and embarrassment of the length of time I was abused and didn't leave. In fact, when I found my newest therapist and met with her the first time, I specifically told her that I needed to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me that prevented me from leaving and putting a stop to the abuse.  I mean, a normal person wouldn't have tolerated probably 1% of what I was subjected to - so there must be something wrong with me.

The answer she had for me was both enlightening and disheartening at the same time.  It's not that something was wrong with me - it was that I had been subjected to toxic and abusive environments and relationships my whole life and it felt "familiar". I had learned coping mechanisms, including self-blame & justification, to be able to survive in those environments. I had been made to feel that my expectations were too much, and that if I just tried harder - things would eventually get better. 

I have been in therapy for a couple years now and it's getting harder, not easier. Every day that I struggle to keep afloat either mentally or financially - it brings out extreme emotions of anger, frustration, and even hopelessness. Why didn't I leave after the first lies I uncovered? Why did I beg for attention and affection from a man who told me I didn't deserve it because I hadn't earned it? Why did I continue to believe that he would actually change for the better if I just gave more, said less, lowered my expectations, and looked the other way? I hung the last 9 years of my life on HOPE, not reality. I refused to see the vile person he is - I kept seeing the person I HOPED he could be. I created potential in him that was never there and refused to believe that he was the person he was showing me. And I have paid a very dear price for that. 

As I navigate the complete anhilation of my life as I had planned and dreamed it - I am finding strength that I never realized I had. "No" was never a staple in my vocabulary - but it is now. Not only that - but it's a complete sentence. I'm no longer afraid to walk away from anyone or anything that doesn't align with who I am or what I believe in. I'm learning to be proud of myself, my accomplishments, my progress - even if no one else is. My core values are something to be proud of and not something I will allow to be used against me anymore.

It's going to take a long time to fully let go of the shame, guilt, and embarrassment I feel over my failure to protect myself, value myself, and love myself - but I'm going to continue to work on it daily. 

I am worth it. 

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