The Time I Lost Trying to Fix What Wasn't Broken — Until I Realized I Was

 

I spent years trying to fix something that was never broken — my marriage.

I look back and remember how many nights I stayed up, searching for solutions to problems that weren’t mine to solve. How many times I blamed myself for the things that went wrong, never realizing that the issue wasn’t me — it was the dynamic I was trapped in. I cried, prayed, and tried everything I could think of to get the "amazing person" he was in the beginning back.... 

This is the story of how I spent precious time trying to fix a marriage that wasn’t ever going to be fixed. And how I found my truth when I finally realized: I wasn’t the one who needed fixing.

The Struggle to Save What Was Never Meant to Be Saved:

For so long, I thought I could change the outcome.
I thought if I did just the right thing, said just the right words, bought him whatever he wanted, used the right tone, things would finally “click.” If I said nothing at all - I couldn't possibly be blamed for anything, right?  Wrong.

The more I tried, the worse it became. He would dangle the carrot and then move the goal post. Nothing I ever did was enough. He wasn't interested in being a husband or having a good marriage, he was only interested in getting his way, controlling me, and never being held accountable for anything.  Narcissistic people don't want a partner, they want control. They thrive on it. 

The harder I worked, the more I lost myself in the process. I kept thinking that if I could only be better, work harder, change my approach, the situation would shift. I changed the way I dressed, my hair color, and sought out any information I could find on how to get my husband to love me again.  I enrolled in self-help marriage courses, went to couples counseling where he berated me to tears, sought out every resource I could to save my marriage and literally NOTHING changed. In fact - it got worse. I cried almost constantly. 

The Awakening:

Then came the moment that changed everything — the moment I realized I was the one being broken. As I stood in front of him, sobbing uncontrollably and begging him to stop treating me this way - I was met by cold, emotionless eyes and was told "Are you done yet?"  I will never forget that day as long as I live. I knew something was seriously wrong and my research into it began.  No matter what I searched, what terms I used, it all came back to the same topic: NARCISSTIC ABUSE. I felt like each article was written about my life. I was literally blown away. I finally understood who and what he was, and that day was absolutely heartbreaking.  I had to accept that my entire marriage was built on lies, that the person I had fallen in love with was fake and not "coming back" no matter what I did. He couldn't because he didn't really exist. I had to finally give up hope. Those slivers of hope were the only thing that had kept me going all those years. Now I had nothing. It's a far deeper wound than I can even express here in my blog. 

All the hope I had - gone. All the dreams I had for us - gone.  All the goals I had set - gone. It's a very devastating realization and took me quite some time to accept. I was never a quitter.  I thought I could be the "one" to finally fix him.  I had to realize that I don't have that power and neither does anyone else. 

For the first time, I saw myself — not as someone who needed to fix their marriage, but as someone who needed to heal from the damage that had been done to me. That moment of clarity was the start of my reconstruction.

What I Learned:

I learned that my worth was never tied to someone else’s approval. I was worthy all along - but had been manipulated and gaslit into believing otherwise.
I learned that healing doesn’t come from fixing others — it starts by fixing the relationship you have with yourself. Abuse is not love. 
And I learned that time isn’t lost when you use it to rebuild yourself.

Conclusion:

I can’t change the past. I can’t undo the time I spent trying to fix what was never mine to fix. But what I can do is heal, speak my truth, and walk forward into a life I’ve created for myself — a life that I know is possible because I believe in my strength, my voice, and my future. A narcissist's secret weapon is your silence. It's how they get away with the abuse and continue the abuse with others. 

To anyone still trying to fix what can’t be fixed — it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to let go. You don’t need to save them, but you can save yourself.
Your time is precious. Don’t waste it fighting the fight that isn’t yours.

Call-to-Action:

If you’re in the process of reconstructing yourself, I’m with you.
Explore tools that helped me find my voice and start healing:

https://stan.store/reconstructedyou


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