If I knew then what I know now.......

 Part of healing and recovery from narcissistic and emotional abuse is learning some pretty deep, often disturbing things about yourself. I have asked myself more times than I can count "why didn't I leave? What is wrong with me that I stayed with a man that treated me so horribly?"  I've even discussed it at length with my therapist.  

The answer is multi-faceted.  1)  You don't know what you don't know.  I didn't know much about gaslighting, coercive control, breadcrumbing, love-bombing, manipulation, or future-faking. So I didn't recognize them as red flags.  I saw them as "areas to improve". 2) I was told that because I had been subjected to those behaviors since childhood, they were FAMILIAR to me.  So I didn't run like a normal, healed, emotionally balanced person would've - I stayed and fought harder to fix things, prove my worth, and love harder. 

I spend a lot of time now rewiring my brain.  In fact - I have an absolutely adverse physical reaction to any and all toxic situations and behaviors. I can literally feel it before I see or hear it. 

So here's another piece of advice from someone that learned the hardest way............ 

🚩 Stop Justifying Red Flags — Especially on the First Date

Let’s have a real conversation — woman to woman.

If you find yourself making excuses for someone’s bad behavior on the first date or early in the “getting to know you” stage… that’s not emotional maturity. That’s self-abandonment.

You’re not being open-minded.
You’re not “giving them a chance.”
You’re setting the stage to be disrespected long-term.

When someone shows you who they are right away — especially through dismissiveness, love-bombing, boundary-pushing, or talking trash about their ex — believe them the first time.

These aren’t just personality quirks.
They’re not “just being nervous.”
They’re warning signs.
And more often than not, they’re the calm before the chaos.

💥 Early Red Flags Are a Preview — Not a Puzzle

Narcissists, manipulators, and emotionally immature people will always show you something shady up front. But they’ll coat it in charm, flattery, or a sad story that makes you second-guess your instincts.

And because many of us were raised to be accommodating, polite, and nonjudgmental, we don’t walk away.
We overthink.
We rationalize.
We stay.

We give out second chances like candy, hoping this person will rise to our hopes instead of meeting them at their actions. (THIS PART!)

But here’s the brutal truth:
If someone disrespects your boundaries early on — it’s not going to get better.
It’s going to get worse.

What you let slide today becomes the storm you drown in tomorrow.

✂️ Have Enough Self-Respect to Walk Away Fast

You don’t need more evidence.
You don’t need to explain your decision.
You don’t need to give them the benefit of the doubt.

You need to leave. Immediately.

Because every time you justify a red flag, you abandon a part of yourself.
And every time you ignore your gut, you make it harder to hear it the next time.

Cutting someone off early isn’t “mean.”
It’s self-preservation.

💡 Let’s Be Blunt…

When you ignore obvious warning signs and keep trying to "figure them out," it doesn’t come across as loyal, empathic, or deep.

It comes across as desperate.
And you’re not.

You are allowed to be unavailable to confusion.
You are allowed to say, “This doesn’t feel right,” and walk away without a closing argument.
You are allowed to protect your peace like it’s sacred — because it is.

🖤 Final Word:

You are not too picky.
You are not too sensitive.
You are not imagining things.

You are waking up.
And the faster you walk away from red flags, the more room you make for the kind of love that won’t require a checklist to feel safe.

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