Unmuted: Healing Out Loud

  I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse.  By the time he moved out - I was just about completely emotionally destroyed. I've spent the last 8 months trying to heal from the damage, but I can't get major progress in my healing yet because he's still abusing me - just through legal and financial avenues now. I have to start my life over, thankfully not from scratch (although that seems to be his motive or end game) but definitely starting a lot of things over.  That's not the easiest thing to do, especially at my age. I've tried really hard to beat myself up for everything he did to me. I was blamed for everything that didn't go his way. If he was in a bad mood, it was my fault. If he gave me the silent treatment, it was my fault. If he got caught lying, it was my fault. His moving out? Yep. My fault too. Hell - it's my fault he decided not to pay on the truck I signed for, that he filed bankruptcy, and that the bankruptcy case is in serious trouble. All. M...

I have been struggling to understand WHY he continues to do the nasty, cruel things he does. Especially when I have never done a thing to him - other than love him, help him, raise him up, protect him and try to give him everything I could.  Even when he decided to leave - I didn't get vengeful. I didn't cause any issues. I let him walk with most of the items purchased during our marriage, the nice truck I co-signed on, and with the assumption that he would actually keep the separation agreement he pleaded me to draft.  He literally stabbed me financially the minute he moved out. He had NO intention of abiding by the agreement.  He just used it as a guise to get me to let him have everything before he left.  Still - I didn't reach out. I didn't get hostile. I used my energy to figure out a way to survive. While he was out wining and dining his next victim, getting tattoos, buying himself expensive cigars and living it up - I was grocery shopping at the dollar store. ...

  For those of you who are in toxic, narcissistic, abusive relationships or marriages - making the decision to end the relationship is not something you decide on a whim. Chances are - you thought about it time and time again but were afraid to make the move.  I thought about it on and off for almost 9 years but talked myself out of it for a myriad of reasons. I hadn't convinced myself that I had tried everything possible to make it work. I would see small little glimpses of the guy he pretended to be when we met - and I took those little breadcrumbs and hung on to them for dear life. Little did I know - that was all part of his strategy and deception to keep me hooked in and chasing a carrot that moved every time I got close. I would love to tell you that once you make the decision to end the relationship - whether you leave or he left you - that the abuse stops. Unfortunately, it doesn't. The narcissist is the only one who is allowed to make those decisions, in their distort...

  I've always prided myself on being a smart, strong, intuitive person.  One of the hardest parts of my healing journey is dealing with the incredible shame, guilt, and embarrassment of the length of time I was abused and didn't leave. In fact, when I found my newest therapist and met with her the first time, I specifically told her that I needed to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me that prevented me from leaving and putting a stop to the abuse.  I mean, a normal person wouldn't have tolerated probably 1% of what I was subjected to - so there must be something wrong with me. The answer she had for me was both enlightening and disheartening at the same time.  It's not that something was wrong with me - it was that I had been subjected to toxic and abusive environments and relationships my whole life and it felt "familiar". I had learned coping mechanisms, including self-blame & justification, to be able to survive in those environments. I had been...

  One of the most difficult aspects of navigating narcissistic abuse and recovery is the inability to understand WHY they do the things they do. Why be abusive to someone who loved you and helped you so much? Why harm someone financially who did nothing but support and assist you by putting their credit on the line, spending money on you, and was responsible for your ability to get all the nice things you've never managed before on your own?  Why lie when the truth is literally so easy to expose? Well, you will never understand the WHY because normal, functional, humane, rational people use logic when making decisions. We weigh risk versus consequences when making decisions. A narcissist or highly narcissistic person has a delusional sense of self-entitlement. They have been lying and getting away with it for most of their lives.  They believe they won't get caught, you won't expose them, or if they do get caught - that their "charming" behavior will allow them to...

Let me tell you first how the relationship starts. You will enter the relationship thinking they love you, because they call you their soulmate and best friend. They shower you with attention, affection, tell you they've never met anyone like you before, they want to spend the rest of their life with you.... essentially, you think you hit the lottery.  After a short time, usually within the first few months, you will notice behaviors you hadn't seen before. They will start to criticize little things about who you are, how you act, traits that are wholly you. But you overlook the flags, because you want that "wonderful" person. And you continue to ignore the signs.  Now you are the source of their misery. They will run hot and cold, leaving you confused. They will try to make you believe everything is your fault. They will make demands, pout, threaten to leave, and dangle a carrot in front of you. They tell you that it's your fault they are treating you this way, a...

  Betrayal trauma cuts deeper than most wounds. It’s not just heartbreak—it’s the disorientation of realizing that someone you trusted with your heart, safety, and well-being has actively harmed you. Whether it came from a partner, parent, sibling, or close friend, betrayal trauma feels like your world has cracked open. And yet, it’s often misunderstood, dismissed, or minimized by others. So let’s name it for what it is—and honor the strength it takes to survive it. 💔 What Is Betrayal Trauma? Betrayal trauma occurs when the person or system you rely on for support and safety violates that trust in a significant way —through manipulation, abuse, infidelity, abandonment, or deceit. The trauma isn’t just in what happened. It’s in who did it . Your brain and body were wired to depend on this person. When that attachment is shattered, it causes a deep rupture in your sense of reality, self-worth, and safety. 🧠 Why It Feels So Confusing If you've ever said: “I feel crazy.”...

  Leaving a narcissist is never the end of the abuse—it's often the beginning of a more covert, calculated war. Once you've emotionally detached and can no longer be manipulated by guilt, shame, or fear, the narcissist shifts tactics. Their new weapons? The legal system and your bank account. 🎭 From Emotional Strings to Legal Chains Narcissists thrive on control. When their emotional hooks stop working, they often weaponize the court system to keep you entangled: Frivolous lawsuits and motions: They file unnecessary or excessive legal paperwork, not because they believe they’ll win—but because they know it will cost you time, energy, and money. Deliberate delays: Expect last-minute rescheduling, non-compliance with document production, or refusing to settle just to drain your resources. False accusations: Whether it’s fabricated abuse claims or twisting facts in court, it’s all part of a narrative to discredit you and keep you on the defensive. Court as a con...